I can't believe i've got myself worked up in such a state about this i don't even know why i jus read a txt from Ryan saying how the fact i'm so talented and every1 knows i'll do well, but that's just sent another load of tears coming through.
I think its worse cause i know every1 expects me to do well and im gonna screw it up i know i will i've been practising this dam monologue for days but i know as soon as i'll get in there
it'll vanish from my brain, i don't why but i have a feeling it will,
why am i in such a state?!
arghh!
this has absolutely no structure to it points ive made i keep reffering back to in which your not suppose to do in a blog my mind is a mess at the moment every time i try to calm my self down its just gets worse and i jus fail to see straight or even think straight i can barely breath at this moment in time as my nose is blocked from all the crying i think my tears have washed off the massive amounts of spot cream i squirted onto my face 2 hours ago.
every1's telling me to sleep
but i can't
i just can't
i'm waking myself up at 8 2morrow to clean the house before Victoria comes and desperately helps me, i know she will help me, she is honestly brilliant like that, but i have never seen her caring side so i need to be on the ball other wise im jus gonna get caught out and right now i am nowhere near that state of mind i need to be in for that and i need to get myself there in 7 hours and god only knows how im going to do that, im tempted into drinking myself into some nice little pit at the bottom of my bed or underneath my bed at least but i can't i have to be sober when she comes, yes. 100% in the right frame of mind body and soul not pissed out my face of fear.
I don''t even know why i've gotten so worked up about this either! its just a school and at the end of the day if i go back to Beaverwood it wouldn't matter anyway! coz miss white is leaving and they'll get someone else but it think it's more than that, i need a change, i need to be thrown in at the deep end of a pool in which i have no idea where it is or where it will lead me, it might be good for me. . . .?
I don't know where im going with this or what time it is but i know this, In approximately 6 hours and 15 minutes and woman with great power who i admire greatly will be in my house, and i have to reach her expectations, same with Ravenswood i will jus be myself and see what comes from it, that's all ive ever done,
don't think just do
50/50 chance they turn out for the better/worse
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